October 12, 2011

• More rambling/poetry

  I am totally supposed to write a poem for my Edu 110 class and I keep going over stuff…I don’t think this will work, but maybe modified? who knows, but I’m just getting myself to stop caring about what my xanga says….this is like my journal, sort of? I really just want to express myself and what else is going on. I’ll figure it out. I gotta go to class.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   

  I am from suburbia

  this is a fact that disturbs and shames me

  there is a certain breed of suburbians I have had far too much contact with; diversity or uniqueness is akin to murder

  shallowness pettiness is breathing

  sports are an identity and if you don’t participate you’re left on the sidelines

  all this I am hopeful and incredibly happy to be away from

  but still

  I’d like to pull a cloak over my past and never look back

  part of it is probably because as much as I hate that place, part of me is still like them (I’d like to think it’s a small part, but that might just be my pride talking)

   

  I am from….besides that, who cares?

  I am from a world I am not particularly proud of.

  I don’t fit into my family and I don’t think I ever will.

  I feel that I am an outcast; whether others actually think of me or not is still to be determined

  I am from the past; and I never want to return

  I am heading toward the future and I hate to admit that I sometimes try to rush my journey there

  sometimes it is not as good as I thought it will be, but other times it is stellar and beyond expectations

  sometimes getting what you want is not as satisfying as what people might think

   

  But let’s talk about me right now. Where am I from…

  honestly?

  That is the least of how I feel right now.

  That is the least of what I want to focus on right now.

   

  Because

   

  Right now, I am not so sure.

  Right now, I am from the band of people whose world has been turned upside down,

  but I am not afraid.

  Ok, maybe a little.

  I know it will be ok, but

  I am closed.

  I feel, but disconnect.

  I know, but disconnect.

  I am afraid to tell the world my flaws because I think I will be judged

  I am determined not to tell them because I think of myself as bigger than I am

  I am prideful.

  I am disconnected with who I am (pride does not help this)

  The girl I think I see in the mirror is not the same one I am in my head

  But, alas.

  I am disconnected from that too.

   

  If you see two people separated by a brick walled room and get them to communicate to each other with nothing but their voices, that is me.

  In a nutshell,

  I thought I had it all figured out.

  I thought I knew who I am (was?)

  It was just who I thought I am.

  Now I have to figure it out all over again.

   

  To be fair,

  I am compassionate

  I like “girly” things like reading and drawing

  I “secretly” like wearing dresses and being pretty

  I just generally don’t because it’s not comfortable

  I have horrible body image issues

  I have been generally surprised that I haven’t developed an eating disorder

  I am happy

  I am smiling

  I am ok.

  • 11:33 am
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