May 14, 2013
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I get jealous
Sometimes being human surprises me. That’s probably a weird thought, but it is what it is.
I get really jealous sometimes.
And I know it doesn’t always matter.
But at my first “real” job, a guy that got hired at the same time as me became a shift leader and had his evaluation before me (actually, I never had mine because I quit before the boss could bother, but I was definitely due for my eval). Maybe it was because I was in high school still, but I remember feeling like my work wasn’t appreciated. Or like I wasn’t good enough. But it was like “why not me?” why didn’t I deserve to do better?Wasn’t my work good enough?
And I thought I would never get that feeling again. I would have been happy if that were the case.
My job now is great. I love it. I love working with the kids. I love the people that I work with. There is nothing I’m not ok with being there. I don’t feel like I have to break my personal convictions.But I feel it again. I feel jealous. And I know it’s stupid. But there’s a guy who is working there with me who came back over break. He started there at the same time as me (well, probably like a few months before me…I’m not really sure to be honest but I know that we’ve both been there almost a year now). But right now, he’s doing stuff. He’s testing kids, he’s scoring tests. He’s also helping with the interview process on Saturday. And even though we were both trained in the math program recently he’s doing it with a student before I get to. Maybe it’s just because we don’ have that many math students, but still. It hurts. Maybe I’m over thinking it. I mean, I’m doing my CNA class on Saturdays right now so it’s not like they could have asked me for the interview stuff anyway. Maybe there was only room on the schedule for one new person to work with a math student. Maybe it’s because I’m still in school for this week. Honestly, I don’t know. But I get kind of angry and jealous when I see it. I wish it was me.
It’s stupid. Because I don’t even want to score tests or give tests all that badly. And even though I was dying to learn the math program…now that I know it it’s like…ok this is cool but I don’t really see what the big deal was. I don’t know what it comes down to. I believe that God provides me with a job. Maybe I should be better about believing that I am working for him and ultimately whether I get to learn more things here is up to him. That he’s got his hands in it. Because deep down that’s what I know. That this is where I’m supposed to be for right now, that it has been a good source of income, that it doesn’t matter if I get to do more because I have a better job than most people my age, that this isn’t where I want to be the rest of my life. That it’s easy for me to get jealous, but I don’t even really want to do the stuff he’s doing. I mean, I kind of do but mostly I don’t. I want to work with students more than anything else here. Working with the kids is fun. Scoring sounds interesting but just like crazy busy work.
I guess the point is is that I told myself I would stop comparing myself to others and that is exactly what I am doing right now.
I have so much that I need to be more grateful for:
- I am in a kick awesome nursing program that didn’t let in all that many people
- I am still alive
- I have a job.
- I get to even go to school.
- I have a wonderful, supportive boyfriend that has stuck with me even though I’m crazy sometimes
- I have a car
- I have the ability to even work. I think about that sometimes. How cool is that? God gives me the health and the ability to be able to have a job to provide for my needs. That’s awesome!!!
- I get really angry sometimes because my family is dysfunctional, but I have a family at all. Both my parents are alive.
- I have a really great best friend. Even though I don’t see her that often. We go awhile without talking and then we talk and it’s like nothing happened. If I ever miss Eastern it’s because I miss getting to see her.
- every new day I’ve been able to get up for.
- There is more to be thankful for than I could ever list.
It doesn’t matter if I learn more things here or not. It matters that I do my best, focus on my life/not comparing myself to others, and trust what comes will come.
I’m probably over thinking this like I do everything.
Comments (3)
Maybe you need to ask for stuff sooner. You need to tell your boss that you are open for a promotion when one is available. You need to say you want certain responsibilities. The person who asks for stuff like that tends to get it.
Like Dan says, if you want something you have to speak up, people won’t just drop opportunity in your lap.
I don’t know your situation, but lots of women need to be more assertive at work.
I was hired with and trained with a guy whose last name’s second letter preceded mine alphabetically. He became a good friend, but I always resented that our contract required testing for promotions by seniority and alphabetically, so he always had the first shot when a better job opened up.