March 7, 2011

• My 30 day post was a let-down (but this is a rant/ramble so beware)

  IN CASE YOU MISSED A TITLE….THIS IS A RANT. MOSTLY A RANT. BARELY A RAMBLE.

  RANT

  RANT

  RANT

  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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  I am so mad at my mom and aunt right now. It seems like that is a daily (or at least multiple times a week) occurrence. Today, after my friend telling me that the paper was really wordy and crappy, I wanted them to proofread this mini paper thing I had to do for AP Lit. They were watching The Bachelor -The Girls Tell All. Minutes before I asked for help my aunt was complaining that the show was absolute bullshit and it was a waste of time to watch (no joke). Then, of course, when I’m trying to get help with the freaking paper that I thought was actually okish and now am freaking out about…they keep asking if I’m done reading it and if they can watch their fucking show.

  Seriously?

  What’s more important: my grade in this class/the possibility of college credit or a fucking tv show? That SHOULD be obvious. That SHOULD be, but apparently my mom and aunt have issues.

  Like, I know people are human and make mistakes, but I can’t help but feel frustrated when all I’m asking is for someone to give me a fucking break.

  Unlike Jenn, I’ve hauled ass. I’m going to college. I’m waiting until marriage before I have kids. I get other people have different paths in life, and that’s fine, but I can’t help but be mad when people in my family care more about a fucking tv show than something when I am trying to get attention on. I sound like a spoiled brat, but that’s really too fucking bad. It’s not just stuff like this…it’s ANYTHING.

  Sometimes I’ll be trying to have a conversation with my mom about something and if her stupid show is on then she’d rather pay attention to taht.

  I’m so sick of not being important to people. I have worth and all that crap…what the hell is wrong with like 90% of the people I deal with. That’s mostly talking about family, but still. It’s not fair.

  And I swear to God, college is just like a beacon of hope and joy for me. I don’t know what I would do if I had not of gotten into Eastern/another school…I NEED to get away from this household. It’s hard to see that and then I realize when I hang out with my dad and everything. All my life I thought my dad was the crazy one. He has his idiosyncrasies, but nowhere near the level of my mom. Mom hasn’t told me the truth. Mom is who I am closer to since I’m around her…I’m definitely afraid of being a lot of either of my parents…but more so my mom because of how ridiculous she can be. God, this just isn’t even a discussion for today. 

   

  And don’t even get me started on Greg.

  I am worried about him. I shouldn’t be, but I am. He deleted me off fb, after all. He’s on crutches again and I just wish things could go back to how they were….before he tried and succeeded in manipulating me.

   

  And god, now that I think about it…He fucking left me alone. I’m falling apart. 

   

  I’ve left things behind a TON lately. I can’t find this packet with Robert Frost poems that I got in AP lit. I’m losing things….It’s because of stress and everything. It’s because my best fucking friend is kinda MIA due to her bf and we don’t really have anything to talk about and she already has enough shit to deal with…Just,I feel like I’m rushing. I feel like I need a better friend now.

  Then again, it seems like I OFTEN feel like that.

  I keep coming back to college. College will be better. People in Willimantic will be better. I sure hope so. I really hope so. 

  I want to get out of here already. I definitely NEED to. I feel like I’ve had my small-town-high-school overload by a TON already. ICK

   

  Back to Greg. I want to forgive him, I do. It’s pathetic. And so much about him makes me really mad and makes me want to run around the earth and just keep running and just do tons of physical labor, but (CHEESE ALERT) everytime I see him my heart just like..JUMPS. Pathetic, but whatever. Even if no romantic stuff happens anymore..I just need to set things straight. I feel incredibly jipped by the fact that he’s such a hypocrite. He wanted spaced and told me that HE had to initiate conversations and all that shit.. well EXCUSE me for not letting you walk all over me.

  I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not letting him pull anymore bullshit. I’m especially not taking anything seriously of his anymore. Especially since I’m pretty sure he sleeps with random girls and then ditches them.

  Apparently, I am too gullible and all that for my own good.

  I feel like he hates me, but doesn’t. I feel like he wants to have a relationship (sorry, friendship) but doesn’t. But if he cared he would pursue it, but if he was telling me the truth about being afraid of rejection?

  Should I just go for it and randomly talk to him.

  I have a glass of mudslide with my name on it. (Literally ALL mine). I wonder if…This is an incredibly bad thought process, but I do wonder if maybe at the end of the week or something that I drink it (at night after true colors and all that) and maybe text him (or i’m assuming my bad judgment would persuade me to text him) and just be like “hey, i’m drunk…what’ sup”  to break the ice. Or I could lie and say I was drunk and not really be. I don’t know.

   

  I am like, the QUEEN of being rash lately. At least I’m being intelligent in the decisions that matter, right?

  I needed to let that out. That’s my major problem…I wait too long for things to build up. Especially now that everything seems like it’s going a million miles a minute.

  ANYWAY!!

  In other news:

  It’s CAPT week so I get like…pockets of extra free time to do work and read (for English, but still…if I wasn’t a nerd then I would be sleeping in like everyone else I know).

  True Colors is on Friday, so I am excited for that. It’s this conference thing where you miss a day of school (which, with CAPT week I will only be missing like 4 REALLY EASY CLASSES !)

  I have been craving hot chocolate really badly lately, maybe some for breakfast tomorrow !

   

   

  I don’t know what else to say about other news.

   

  Thanks for reading, if you actually did. That was nice of you to endure stupid shit for like…..3 sentences of “In other news”. I’ll hopefully be less stressed later to do a better fill-you-in post .

   

  night

   

  and that was my attempt at being more open and publically journal-y. Let’s see how that goes, right?

  • 10:05 pm
  • 4 Comments