Been arrested? no
Kissed someone you didn’t like? yes
Slept in until 5 PM? no
Ran a red light? yes
Been suspended from school? No
Experienced love at first sight? no
Totalled your car in an accident? No, thank God.
Been fired from a job? no, I quit before I could be fired
Fired somebody? no
Sang karaoke? yes
Pointed a gun at someone? nope
Had a gun pointed at you? no
Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes
Kissed in the rain? yes
Had a close brush with death (your own)? no
Seen someone die? No
Played spin-the-bottle? yep lol
Smoked a cigar? no
Have a tattoo? No
Sat on a rooftop? yes
Smuggled something into another country? n
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? yea
Broken a bone? yup
Eaten a bug? yes
Sleepwalked? no
Walked a moonlit beach? yes
Rode a motorcycle? yes
Dumped someone? yes
Lied to avoid a ticket? No
Ridden in a helicopter? no but that would be awesome!
Shaved your head? No
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? yes
Eaten snake? yes
Marched/Protested? yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? no
Puked on amusement ride? no, but I really have come close to it lately. I think my days at amusement parks are over…
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? yes
Been in a band? yes
Been on TV? not that i can think of
Shot a gun? no]
Skinny-dipped? no
Gave someone stitches? no
Ridden a surfboard? No
Drank straight from a liquor bottle? nah
Had surgery? yes, wisdom teeth
Streaked? yes
Taken by ambulance to hospital? no
Passed out when not drinking? nope
Peed on a bush? yup
Donated Blood? yup it’s been awhile
Grabbed electric fence? no
Eaten alligator/croc meat? nope
Killed an animal when not hunting? nope
Peed your pants in public? no
Snuck into a movie without paying? a long time ago, yes
Written graffiti? no
Still love someone you shouldn’t? No
Been in handcuffs? nope
Believe in love? Yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? yes

So xanga’s not dead…so weird.

But this literally is my last post before having to pay. And I’m in college and have more important things to worry about, so I’m not going to pay to blog. That’s lame.

I’m stealing this from Dan.

@thetheologianscafe

Describe me in one word. If you play along and post I’ll describe you.

Friday: I went to work. I tried to get out early but I asked for the time off too soon so I got out at 5. I went home and finalized all my packing and left my house around 5:30, got gas etc and left to see my bestie Renee. It was my first BIG trip on the high way besides when I went to East Haddam a few months back. Visibility was horrible once I got past rush hour traffic. There was crazy rain and I could basically only see people’s headlights in front and in back of me. I was thankful I got to her house in one piece.

Saturday: We watched lots of Justice League and Justice League Unlimited. I watched hockey too. Blackhawks, Renee’s team, won so that was cool.

Sunday: I visited my old church in Willimantic near Eastern. Everyone was welcoming and happy to see me.  My good friend from there has cirrhosis of the liver and she looks incredibly thin and frail. She’s around 75 so that’s probably to be expected for that age, but still. It concerns me a bit. I hope things can get figured out. I’m not sure what stage she is in. I know early stage can be reversed to an extent. We shall see what happens. I need to be better about calling/emailing her though. All my other friends there look good and are doing well. It makes me happy that there’s more kids there too. That’s really nice .

After church I hung out a big with some church people and then I met up with my friend Jonah from Eastern and we talked about life. It made me think about God’s favor. I told him about how the other day I was talking with someone and gave a really good example. I was like, if I go interview for a job and a candidate is more qualified than me in every way but God wants me to have that job then I’m going to get the job, no matter what. I told him about some of my friends here at home that I am kind of there for but I know they’re not real friends. I mostly feel like I have to model not being a bum and being motivated with a job and school and stuff like that. And that I need to be there for them. There’s a lot of issues there, I just need to be there even though they’ve been kind of mean and exclusive toward me at times. I haven’t seen her in awhile, so we’ll see when we see each other again.

We went to Dunkin Donuts and Walmart and then I dropped him back on campus since he’s an RA for the summer as well as throughout the year. I’m proud of him. I might have looked into becoming an RA if I had stayed at Eastern. The experience seems like it’s an interesting, slightly fun one.

Anywho, after that I rode back to Renee’s house. We watched more Justice League, but then we decided we wanted to play some video games and stuff. So we hit up her storage unit and we played Arkham Asylum !

Also we got yummy froyo. Mostly because of her sister’s insistence. lol.

Monday:

We finished up Arkham Asylum today. We finished up the episodes of Justice League I hadn’t seen yet. We also watched episode 1 of Firefly, because Renee hasn’t seen it. We’re going to have a few skype dates this week/the next few weeks and watch it and stuff. I’m excited she’s finally getting to watch it with me because I love Firefly!!!!!!!!

So I left after that. I tried calling my dad back before I drove home, he didn’t pick up. So I drove home, but my GPS was evil and wanted to take me on the Merritt and I was like…NO so I had to stop at a Sonic and get directions to another highway.

I eventually got home in one piece.

Started unpacking and decided to see if I could get a hold of my dad since he has a super power. He always manages to call me when I am not available to talk to him. I did catch him. I honestly wish I hadn’t of because it is just so unpleasant. 

I need to do laundry soon. All my clothes that I brought this weekend REEK of smoke. YUCK.

I took my last final on Thursday and I’ve just been working and relaxing and it’s been fun. 

Stuff I want to do over the next couple of months:

1. Go on an adventure. For me, that probably means driving somewhere more than a few hours away. We shall see what happens in that front though. There is some discussion of a road trip. I don’t want to go by myself, so it really depends on whether or not I get someone to come with me.
2. Finish my CNA class and take the exam to be certified and start applying for jobs and find something flexible with an agency or w/e so I can just work Saturdays. My job now is great, but I think it’s really only going to work out for me for summer/breaks. I could still fall back on it for a Saturday especially since I’ll probably make more money but I’d rather get a job in something more relevant to my field.
3. Make significant progress on books I have been working on reading: Les Mis (this is a marathon book to read, my gosh. Hugo drives me nuts with how much he is talking about war and random historical stuff), Discovering the Old Testament (I picked it back up today and realized that I was like over half way through it…power through!), the Bible (rereading it but still, I definitely glazed over some parts on the first read through), On Cloud Nine manual/guide (though I’m not really sure how useful it’s going to be at this point, we shall see what happens in that regard), a bunch of comic books my friend lent me (MOSTLY BATMAN !), and tentatively….the Hobbit and/or Fellowship of the Ring. I doubt it though, seeing as I am only like 360 pages into les mis and it’s literally a brick.
4. Go to the zoo.
5. Go to the aquarium. Possibly the farther away one, but most likely the more local one as I don’t think I’ve been to that one ever?
6. finish my online CPR stuff before my actual class meeting.
7. read ahead in my micro book? Let’s see if this actually happens. Because I’m still debating if I want to buy the international version or not. Tough choices.
8. see more of my lovely niece
9. possibly cook more. I have been procrastinating on buying Tikka Masala sauce for Indian food. I also have an Indian grocery store at my disposal. I need to take advantage of that.
10. Sad to say, but I need to finish season 9 of grey’s anatomy. lol
11. buy all the nursing supplies ….but I won’t get that email until June.
12. final grades. I did well in anatomy, but I still don’t have my English grade.

I lost focus on this. I’m cleaning out my computer because it’s getting to be slooooooooooooow.

Sometimes being human surprises me. That’s probably a weird thought, but it is what it is.

I get really jealous sometimes.

And I know it doesn’t always matter.

But at my first “real” job, a guy that got hired at the same time as me became a shift leader and had his evaluation before me (actually, I never had mine because I quit before the boss could bother, but I was definitely due for my eval). Maybe it was because I was in high school still, but I remember feeling like my work wasn’t appreciated. Or like I wasn’t good enough. But it was like “why not me?” why didn’t I deserve to do better?Wasn’t my work good enough?

And I thought I would never get that feeling again. I would have been happy if that were the case.

My job now is great. I love it. I love working with the kids. I love the people that I work with. There is nothing I’m not ok with being there. I don’t feel like I have to break my personal convictions.But I feel it again. I feel jealous. And I know it’s stupid. But there’s a guy who is working there with me who came back over break. He started there at the same time as me (well, probably like a few months before me…I’m not really sure to be honest but I know that we’ve both been there almost a year now). But right now, he’s doing stuff. He’s testing kids, he’s scoring tests. He’s also helping with the interview process on Saturday. And even though we were both trained in the math program recently he’s doing it with a student before I get to. Maybe it’s just because we don’ have that many math students, but still. It hurts. Maybe I’m over thinking it. I mean, I’m doing my CNA class on Saturdays right now so it’s not like they could have asked me for the interview stuff anyway. Maybe there was only room on the schedule for one new person to work with a math student. Maybe it’s because I’m still in school for this week. Honestly, I don’t know. But I get kind of angry and jealous when I see it. I wish it was me.

It’s stupid. Because I don’t even want to score tests or give tests all that badly. And even though I was dying to learn the math program…now that I know it it’s like…ok this is cool but I don’t really see what the big deal was. I don’t know what it comes down to. I believe that God provides me with a job. Maybe I should be better about believing that I am working for him and ultimately whether I get to learn more things here is up to him. That he’s got his hands in it. Because deep down that’s what I know. That this is where I’m supposed to be for right now, that it has been a good source of income, that it doesn’t matter if I get to do more because I have a better job than most people my age, that this isn’t where I want to be the rest of my life. That it’s easy for me to get jealous, but I don’t even really want to do the stuff he’s doing. I mean, I kind of do but mostly I don’t. I want to work with students more than anything else here. Working with the kids is fun. Scoring sounds interesting but just like crazy busy work.

I guess the point is is that I told myself I would stop comparing myself to others and that is exactly what I am doing right now.

I have so much that I need to be more grateful for:

1. I am in a kick awesome nursing program that didn’t let in all that many people
2. I am still alive
3. I have a job.
4. I get to even go to school.
5. I have a wonderful, supportive boyfriend that has stuck with me even though I’m crazy sometimes
6. I have a car
7. I have the ability to even work. I think about that sometimes. How cool is that? God gives me the health and the ability to be able to have a job to provide for my needs. That’s awesome!!!
8. I get really angry sometimes because my family is dysfunctional, but I have a family at all. Both my parents are alive.
9. I have a really great best friend. Even though I don’t see her that often. We go awhile without talking and then we talk and it’s like nothing happened. If I ever miss Eastern it’s because I miss getting to see her.
10. every new day I’ve been able to get up for.
11. There is more to be thankful for than I could ever list.

It doesn’t matter if I learn more things here or not. It matters that I do my best, focus on my life/not comparing myself to others, and trust what comes will come.

I’m probably over thinking this like I do everything.

1. It was a year ago yesterday that I interviewed at my current job that I also worked at over the summer. I applied to a lot of other jobs last year, but this was the only one that I interviewed at and actually got!!! 
2. I have a birthmark in the shape of an octopus on my right knee.
3. My favorite dessert is ice cream. Lately I really love vanilla bean !
4. I cried on father’s day last year because my dad is not really in my life the way that he should be and everyone in church was celebrating how great their dads are.
5. I have a shameless love of Grey’s Anatomy. I recognize it is totally inappropriate with all its drama and stuff, but whatever, I enjoy it for what it is, an escape from reality.
6. I haven’t had peace for awhile, but with the craziness that happened this past week and the uncertainty that came with it I’m feeling a little bit better.
7. I credit a lot of the changes in my attitude (eg: being more positive in my attitude toward things) to a few things over the past couple of years: my faith, Kandee Johnson on youtube, my boyfriend, and surprisingly my current job. My job is all about finding something to praise in kid’s behavior and mistakes. It kind of has a way of rubbing off into normal life. 
8. My last week of classes is this week. My favorite systems from Anatomy I/II combined are probably the nervous system and the endocrine system. But I don’t really want to be a system specific nurse. I think I want to work with pediatrics. I’m not sure if I want to do a specific unit, but I really like the idea of working with a good variety.
9. I’m kind of bad at resenting people. Mostly within my family. If they do stuff I get really angry for awhile. It sucks. I’m trying to get better with it.
10. I learned the math program at my job recently. I thought I was really bad at math, but I am not as bad as I thought because the way that we are supposed to teach people is the way I do it in my head .
11. I have a meeting with a nursing advisor this week!!! I AM STOKED. Even though I probably know what they’re going to tell me. That I shouldn’t take nursing 101 and microbiology together and blah blah blah. But I’m gonna buy the book soonish and hopefully look at it over the summer before I start class so it should be good.
12. I am dying to drive somewhere roadtrippy. I want to go on an adventure! There was some discussion of going to Paterson,NJ to some waterfall….but I’m not sure. I might go up to Maine this summer. I’m hoping I can shave off the last week or so in August to go on an adventure after my 2 days of nursing orientation ! I don’t know what’s going to happen.
13. I have a scar on my right eyebrow from when my sister hit me with a can. I got behind her as she was putting a can behind her into the shopping cart and she didn’t realize she lifted it up into my face (because she didn’t look behind herself).
14. I found a really awesome swiss gear case at goodwill for $4 today!! I also found something for my mom that she loved! Lol
15. I think the worst job ever for me would be a salesperson. I have nothing against any job as long as it’s honest work. But for me, I would have trouble convincing someone they need something they don’t need. I like helping people with stuff I think that they need or stuff that they do need. Hope that makes sense. 
16. I have O+ blood. I think that’s the most common blood type? I don’t remember right now.

So I had my 2nd CNA class this weekend! I think it’s really cool. I know it’s not nursing, but I know there is a lot of overlap and I’m really enjoying it. I can’t wait for when we actually get there and do clinicals. Today we went over handwashing and how to walk with your patient. It was not too bad. And now I’m going to obsessively practice handwashing for the rest of my life lol.

Also there are people in my class from my area!! That makes me really happy for some reason. bleh.

There is also a guy in my class that looks like Psy. I told him that and he was like “You have nooo idea how much I get that now!” LOL!!!!!

Also, obligatory picture of me in the required scrubs we have to wear to class!! They are HUGE. I’m too tall to get the smalls, so the medium is swimming on me!!!!!!!!!

Random, but I feel like doing a list…procrastination at its finest!

1. I have been dying my hair red for past 6 months or so….I have not updated my xanga or facebook profile pictures to reflect that.
2. I am not a good cook. I can make eggs and follow directions on in a cookbook. I have 0 knowledge besides that.
3. I’m left handed.
4. I have very little patience for horrible adults. But I try to be sympathetic because I know that they are horrible because one day they chose to be that way and they probably can’t help it.
5. Today, on my anatomy quiz, I doodled in the margins. I made my pancreas doodle into a fish and the liver into a pirate hat. My teacher found it moderately entertaining. It was random and it entertained me while I waited for the next question. 
6. I’m really horrible at the bible. I suck at being consistent in reading it. I suck at interpreting it. I suck at it overall. I’m working on it, but fyi, I suck.
7. I’m incredibly dependable, but I think it’s mostly for my benefit rather than yours. I’m afraid of the consequences if I don’t go to class on time or whatever. My brain runs about it so it kind of keeps me in check.
8. I used to be afraid of the highway. I know I’ve mentioned that before, but I am happy because today when I got on the highway I was like OH MY GOSH I’M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE. It happened awhile ago, I just noticed today .
9. I’ve never driven in my car outside of CT. I drove in my dad’s old saturn in Delaware with him, but only for like an hour. So I can amend this and say I have never crossed state borders as the driver of the car. I want to go on a road trip at some point, but we shall see.
10. I am a huge girly girl. I LOVE dresses, fluffy animals, babies, etc. The only thing I don’t really like is flowery prints. I am very picky on those.

Also, I’m stealing this from Nightcometh.

Things are moving forward lately, which is great.

1. I’m in anatomy II and english this semester. I’m doing well!
2. I’m working part time ~20hrs/week.
3. I’m starting my certified nurse’s aide class next Saturday. I’m not 100% sure it is a good idea, but I know the experience will be helpful background for nursing 101 in the fall. So even if I don’t get a job it’s money well spent. It’s kind of a trip too, so at least I’m getting more highway experience, right? Win win. 
4. I get to register for nursing 101 may 1st!!!
5. I’m working this semester, which I already said about, but I am going to stay basically full time again for this summer. I am so fortunate and happy that this has worked out for me again. Even when I get bad kids I love being there.
6. I’m taking CPR in June. It’s partially online, so I hope that means it’s easier for me to pass it…..
7. I have been working on making my wardrobe less  hoody/tomboy and more work appropriate/girly/things I feel good about wearing and am not just wearing to cover up how I feel fat. I’m pretty girly. I want to wear more nice things, even besides the fact I need more work clothes. A possible outfit related post might come up one of these days. Anyway, I bought 2 pairs of flats recently! A sparkly silver pair and a memory foam sole pair. I LOVEEEEE SPARKLY FLATS OMGOSH. 
8. I switched back to my old phone, enV 3 because my samsung intensity II was not very intense anymore. Ok, maybe I shouldn’t have made that joke, but basically it was being crappy. Hopefully my enV behaves because it was having some issues before I upgraded to my intensity. We shall see what happens!!! I have an upgrade right now if I really need to do that, but I’m trying to wait because I loved my enV and the new nonsmart phones are incredibly cheaply made.

But I also feel like I’m not doing well enough at other stuff….

Things I feel like I’m failing at

1. Setting boundaries with my friends. I still need to get my old laptop back from Emily. Stephen and Michaela constantly ask me to hangout when they know how much I work and try to catch up on the weekends. They’re not bad people, they just don’t have anything outside of school to worry about and I don’t think they realize what I have going on. Maybe I’m just very focused on what I know I need to do for my age whereas most people my age are like “friends, screw school?”. I’m not really sure what it is, but it might have something to do with why I tend to be around older people.
2. Forgiving people. I’m still kind of raw from what some of my friends have said to me in the past month or so. It’s blown my trust in them. It makes me want to just be like “You don’t have my back” and say bye. But I know I can’t do that. It just shocked me what was said and I am struggling to get over it. I know I can forgive and get over it at separate points but I’m just bleh.
3. Loving people. This kind of goes with #2. I wonder if maybe I’m stretching myself too thin and if I shouldn’t just love my friends that have hurt me from a distance so that I don’t have to be so angry when they cause drama and make life obnoxious when we hangout. I feel like that’s giving up on them. Like I’m saying I don’t accept them as people. And it feels like the wrong thing. But I also feel like Emily makes things all about her and literally never asks me anything about me when we hangout. It’s fine, I don’t mind that she needs someone to talk to or whatever, but I can’t do that all the time. I need people who have my back. And now I’m kind of at the point where I know she doesn’t have my back so I can’t trust her even if she did ask me about how I’m doing. So I’m kind of at the point where I’m like, maybe distancing myself is the best thing right now. I am pretty busy anyway, so it’s not like I’m lying about the amount of stuff I have to do.
4. Keeping a safe distance from my family. When I decided to come back home I said I would spend more time at the library studying. Now I am just kind of either at school, work or home. So, so much for spending more time at the library to get away from them. I have my own room so it works out, but yeah it’s kind of lame. Probably next semester. We shall see.
5. Working out. I am really trying to get in shape and lose weight. I’m trying to eat better. I’m trying to workout. I have a gym. But my work schedule is so unpredictable that I’m just kind of like…bleh. and a lot of times I lose the motivation to go. Maybe I need to be harsher with myself and post the bad stuff that happens when you get overweight/have related health problems. I need to stop being lazy.

What’s going on with everyone?