December 13, 2011

  • End of Fall Semester

    I took my finals yesterday and turned in my final paper for English. I just signed out of my building and now I’m hanging out in the tutoring/study center (even though I technically don’t need to…it’s mostly because I need to print something and don’t have my printer). My friend that I’m staying with tonight says she’ll probably get here around 12:30ish. I don’t really know. I’m not too worried about that. There’s lots of places to go on campus and she’s only like 20 minutes away from here so one way or another I’ll get there.

    I have some books on my nook and I guess I could read some of those, but I was kind of hoping to do when I leave campus tomorrow.

    I’m excited to have a break. It still hasn’t really hit me just yet and I still feel really strange not having any work to do. It’s been a good haul though, so I’m excited to get done with it. We’ll see what happens, I guess.

    It’s nice to be able to just bask in the lack of work and be lazy. It’s going to be a good break.

     

December 12, 2011

  • Handwriting

    So I thought this would be fun.

     

    <img src=”http://x10.xanga.com/c00f97f137d30280153108/b223181978.jpg” alt=”P1040192″ style=”width:800px” />

     

    (I messed up the have :S)

     

     

     

     

     

    This personality profile is based on the writing of Kim Terepka created at the website: Handwriting Wizard.com – Handwriting University’s Official automated personality report creator based on standardized basic personality traits as taught through Handwriting University’s Certification Level Program.

     Most people with a severe leftward slant have some type of childhood trauma they have yet to work through. Since we didn’t actually “see the writing”, we can’t tell if she actually has a hard left emotional slant, but if so… she has issues with trust and it is likely rooted in childhood.

    Kim has withdrawn into herself. She is reserved and shows her feelings only at times of great anger, extreme passion, or tremendous stress. Kim is an introvert. She makes decisions based on logic, therefore she is rarely impulsive. She doesn’t find any need for expressing her emotions. In fact, she probably sees this emotional expression as an unnecessary waste of time. She has a hard time relating to an extreme extrovert, although it is common for her to be attracted to one. Many people do not understand Kim; it is difficult for them to really know how Kim feels. Kim enjoys being alone, and probably prefers working alone. Working with her hands is a pleasure.

    Kim’s basic nature is to look out for herself first. Although she can and does feel emotions, perhaps as deeply as anyone, she just almost always harbors them inside.

    The first time someone angers Kim, she probably will not say anything to that person at that time. However, she will mentally keep track of everything this person does wrong to her until she cannot hold her emotions inside any longer. Then; Boom! Kim will cloud up and rain all over them. And she will never regret telling someone off, because she knew what she was saying the entire time. She won’t impulsively tell someone off.

    Emotional stories will not sway Kim. She thinks totally with judgment, first considering every situation by the effect it will have on her.

    Kim needs space and time alone. She will be much more efficient if given a job alone, rather than being surrounded by people.

     People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Kim doesn’t write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

     Kim will demand respect and will expect others to treat her with honor and dignity. Kim believes in her ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. She has a lot of pride.

     Kim is talkative. She enjoys talking and socializing. She may talk when there is absolutely nothing important to say. She enjoys speaking.

     Kim has an over-awareness of self. She often feels self-conscious. She fears ridicule, therefore she is careful not to place herself in a position to receive any ridicule. She wonders what people will think if she acts in a certain manner. When encountering a new group of people, Kim may stay on the sidelines until she has the people categorized, or she may behave in a “positive attention getting” manner to assure people think good thoughts about her from the start.

    In the sales profession, this self-consciousness is called “call reluctance”. They take the word “no” as a personal criticism. Therefore, there is an internal struggle when performing this type of work. Although this person may be a great salesperson, she still feels insecurity. She will perform better if someone else is with her because the fear of ridicule from her peers is far greater than the fear of ridicule from her clients. Many times this type of person becomes a sales trainer, because when she is training, she doesn’t have to put herself in a position of being told “no” as often as the salesmen do.

     In reference to Kim’s mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Kim slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

    She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Kim can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

     Kim’s true self-image is unreasonably low. Someone once told Kim that she wasn’t a great and beautiful person, and she believed them. Kim also has a fear that she might fail if she takes large risks. Therefore she resists setting her goals too high, risking failure. She doesn’t have the internal confidence that frees her to take risks and chance failure. Kim is capable of accomplishing much more than she is presently achieving. All this relates to her self-esteem. Kim’s self-concept is artificially low. Kim will stay in a bad situation much too long… why? Because she is afraid that if she makes a change, it might get worse. It is hard for Kim to plan too far into the future. She kind of takes things on a day to day basis. She may tell you her dreams but she is living in today, with a fear of making a change. No matter how loud she speaks, look at her actions. This is perhaps the biggest single barrier to happiness people not believing in and loving themselves. Kim is an example of someone living with a low self-image, because their innate self-confidence was broken.

     Kim is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

     Kim is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn’t “need” them. She can be a loner.

     Something is incomplete in Kim’s life. She feels frustration relating to her physical needs and desires. Somewhere in her life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to Kim’s sexual needs.

     Kim is selective when picking friends. She does not trust everyone. She has a select group of people that are truly close to her, usually two or three. She is careful when choosing her inner circle of friends.

     Kim has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

     Kim exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although she may not intend to deceive or mislead, she blows things way out of proportion because that is the way she views them. She will be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of her material world. Kim allows many people into her life because she is accepting and trusting. She is sometimes called gullible by her friends. That only really means that she trusts too many people. Kim has a vivid imagination.

     Kim has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, Kim’s y or g is large and has triangle shape to the lower loop. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination Kim has regarding sex and physical things. Her lower zone stroke is large, so her sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop has a triangle shape, this indicates a particular curiosity with certain aspects of sexuality. In a nutshell, Kim is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once. I’d say Kim is quite a dynamic and playful lover. Watch out world!

     For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer’s attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Kim has no white space or margins on a typical sheet of paper. Kim fills up every last inch on the top, right, left, and bottom. Hmmm. If this is true, then Kim has a very aggressive personality toward others and quite frankly lacks a bit of respect for the space and property of other people. I would be surprised if Kim just comes into someone’s home and helps herself to a drink in the refrigerator. This can be both an obnoxious personality trait and it can be assertive and effective in getting what you want. There isn’t much fear of getting in trouble here, Kim finds plenty of reasons to break the rules and get in trouble. (Okay, perhaps when she was younger, not anymore?) Basically, people with no margins are a handful.

     

    A lof of that analysis was surprisingly accurate…I’m not sure what to think

December 11, 2011

  • The Basics

    First name: Kimberly

    Nickname: Kim, Kimmie (I kind of hate it when people call me that), among other ones that are just between me and some poeple

    Age: 18

    Gender: female

    Location: CT

    Little more in depth

    What are your favorite color(s)? Blue, purple

    What are your hobbies? reading, writing, learning (sorta), baking, video games, chillin…etc

    Dislikes? arrogance, pride (both things that I have issues with),  homework (a lot of times), assumptions, control freaks,

    Loves?  cuddling, friends, some family, boyfriend, desserts/sweets,  blankets, lots of stuff

    What are your talents? dunno…definitely not being subtle lol

    What is/were your strongest school subject(s)? english

    What is/were your weakest school subject(s)? Math, science. :P

    What is your taste in music? rock/ stuff to sing to

    What are your fears?…

    Are you a bitch all the time? nah. everyone has their moments though

    Are you awesome all the time? noooo…

    Are you open or are you shy? kinda open, but not really? I don’t really know how to answer this.s

    Do you read? yea

    A secret: 

    Tell me a little bit more about you: I am a freshman in college right now, but I’m transferring to community college to do nursing. 

    What do you look for in a best friend or just a friend: People who exist? I don’t really know. I just kind of make friends with people without necessarily thinking about it too much LOL.



     

December 7, 2011

October 27, 2011

  • Day off

    Today is my first official, middle of the school week day off. My one English class was cancelled today in addition to my volunteering, so here I am. I like…just got up at 10. It feels really good.

    I still have work to do and stuff, but I’m happy to finally not have to get up and bleh because I didn’t get enough sleep or something.

    I have no idea what I’m going to do about mandatory volunteering this week that’s  part of my freshman experience, but whatever.

    I’ve been ok….nothing really really exciting to tell anyone.

    I didn’t really have any actual midterm exams, but my grades were in the range I wanted them to be so that was good. Before I got here I was really afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to pass and stuff. It was a stupid thing to say, but whatever. I tend to freak out over stupid things generally anyway.

    I think one of my favorite things about college is that I’m away from my family and on my own for real. My mom and I are having a lot of disagreements lately and I think it would be that much more frustrating if I had to reside in the same icky house as her. I really don’t miss having to argue with her about every little thing everyday. I am going to try and talk to her this weekend about what we’re dealing with, but I have no idea how that’s going to go. Gr.

    I don’t know what I’m taking next semester, but I think I’m dropping education as a major. I want to be a teacher, but I don’t want to deal with all this crap with the education certification. Eastern has Tiers of Ged Ed requirements that have to be completed and I could fulfill some of those requirements with the ged eds for being a teacher, but I’ve already filled some Tier requirements so I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just know that I really don’t want to take another math class, US history class or stuff of that sort. I really feel like I’m in college and that should mean that I get to choose what I want to take.

     

    Anyway, I gotta go eat. We’ll see if I write later.

October 12, 2011

  • More rambling/poetry

    I am totally supposed to write a poem for my Edu 110 class and I keep going over stuff…I don’t think this will work, but maybe modified? who knows, but I’m just getting myself to stop caring about what my xanga says….this is like my journal, sort of? I really just want to express myself and what else is going on. I’ll figure it out. I gotta go to class.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     

    I am from suburbia

    this is a fact that disturbs and shames me

    there is a certain breed of suburbians I have had far too much contact with; diversity or uniqueness is akin to murder

    shallowness pettiness is breathing

    sports are an identity and if you don’t participate you’re left on the sidelines

    all this I am hopeful and incredibly happy to be away from

    but still

    I’d like to pull a cloak over my past and never look back

    part of it is probably because as much as I hate that place, part of me is still like them (I’d like to think it’s a small part, but that might just be my pride talking)

     

    I am from….besides that, who cares?

    I am from a world I am not particularly proud of.

    I don’t fit into my family and I don’t think I ever will.

    I feel that I am an outcast; whether others actually think of me or not is still to be determined

    I am from the past; and I never want to return

    I am heading toward the future and I hate to admit that I sometimes try to rush my journey there

    sometimes it is not as good as I thought it will be, but other times it is stellar and beyond expectations

    sometimes getting what you want is not as satisfying as what people might think

     

    But let’s talk about me right now. Where am I from…

    honestly?

    That is the least of how I feel right now.

    That is the least of what I want to focus on right now.

     

    Because

     

    Right now, I am not so sure.

    Right now, I am from the band of people whose world has been turned upside down,

    but I am not afraid.

    Ok, maybe a little.

    I know it will be ok, but

    I am closed.

    I feel, but disconnect.

    I know, but disconnect.

    I am afraid to tell the world my flaws because I think I will be judged

    I am determined not to tell them because I think of myself as bigger than I am

    I am prideful.

    I am disconnected with who I am (pride does not help this)

    The girl I think I see in the mirror is not the same one I am in my head

    But, alas.

    I am disconnected from that too.

     

    If you see two people separated by a brick walled room and get them to communicate to each other with nothing but their voices, that is me.

    In a nutshell,

    I thought I had it all figured out.

    I thought I knew who I am (was?)

    It was just who I thought I am.

    Now I have to figure it out all over again.

     

    To be fair,

    I am compassionate

    I like “girly” things like reading and drawing

    I “secretly” like wearing dresses and being pretty

    I just generally don’t because it’s not comfortable

    I have horrible body image issues

    I have been generally surprised that I haven’t developed an eating disorder

    I am happy

    I am smiling

    I am ok.

October 6, 2011

  • I am from my mother and I identify with the lines of heritage before that

    I am from a line of Pollocks; I mourn the language I never knew, but take pride in features I know are from my ancestors

    I am from the what-I-thought-was-a-small-town

    I am from suburbia;the kingdom of the queen bees, hell for the unique and the place whose name I hate because it shows that I am from there. Facades are the name of the game there.

    I am from nowhere; I desire my identity apart from suburbia. I desire to leave it and never come back

     

    I am from the past; I don’t want to return

    I am from the future; little moments from the past make me who I am and who I don’t want to be again

    I am from the always sober group of college students, I desire to remember my good times.

    I am a goody-two-shoes, a perfectionist; I put my foot forward and hope it doesn’t get stuck in the mud

     

    I am from the human race,full of evil and justly condemned

    I am from America; whatever that means to you. I am an American. I am not sure whether I should be proud or disgusted

    I am from God’s line of adopted children; I do not deserve it

     

    I am pride; I have trouble seeing who I really am.

    I am clouded by the blurred judgment of a prideful heart; I often believe that I am great. I often have to be told that I am not. Deep down I know I am nothing without God and have a puffed up prideful attitude.

    I am greed; sometimes I eat too much (sometimes meaning, generally all the time)

    I am a gossip; oftentimes I even forget that I am doing it

    I am not a good listener.

     

    I am selfish; I have to actively work to bring myself away from it.

    I am selfish; I have to actively say NO to myself and YES to others

    I am stubborn; my pride sometimes rules my decisions

    I am not the center of the universe, and I have to remind myself of that everyday

     

    I am from under the blankets, desiring to be cuddled up close to the one I love

    I am from those in love; there is something in me that delights me and amazes me

     

     

     

    (but rejoice in the fact that I am saved from my own selfish, prideful nature)—-something I took out, but am leaving around because

     

     

    I’m feeling very creative right now, but do not like to be constrained by the poem we are supposed to write for my education class. I am probably going to do a collage instead because the poem is supposed to be similar to “Where I’m from” by George Ella Lyon. It’s interesting. I don’t really know what I identify with when I have to do projects or assignments like this. I know I just generally think that that’s just what I do. I don’t usually feel connected to who I am supposed to be under what my specific identities.

     

    I am:

    female- this makes me a feminist to a degree (not a femi-nazi)

    Polish- this makes up my entire body features

    Christian- even though I am a bad Christian, this really helps my perfectionist tendencies because I know God’s going to make me the way he wants me over time

    vegan-this should make me thinner/healthier than other people, but I eat too much and don’t always eat very healthily

    tall

     

    This isn’t what I’m turning in, by no means. I honestly think I’ve lost my poetic edge. I used to do it for myself anyway, so this was for myself more than anything. Sometimes I forget how therapeutic writing is. I miss it a lot many times. I am going to continue it someday. My stepmom sent me a journal, and I might just take advantage of that for this purpose. It’s funny how the timing is on things. I wanted to write recently and then it just kind of happened that I got it in the mail. God is great like that, I guess. I have to go to class soon and might work more on this rambling/whatever you want to call it poem later.

September 30, 2011

  • What are the most important qualities you look for in a significant other?

    In no particular order:

    1. Good sense of humor
    1a. but also knows when to be serious
    2. Can keep up a good conversation with me (I like to talk, but I’m not always good at keeping up conversations with people because I’m so socially awkward at times)
    3. Christian
    4. Respectful of women/people in general
    5. “gets me” (this is important because people don’t always get me and because sometimes I say stupid things without meaning to….that’s just part of my personality :S)
    5a. Knowing that I won’t be judged is a good one
    6. Chemistry in general. The person could be perfect, but if you don’t have chemistry then that sucks and I don’t quite know how the relationship would work after that.
    7. Similar viewpoints or at least be willing to compromise on things that are important

    This is all I can really come up with at almost 1 am. Fun times.

       

    I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

September 17, 2011

  • Time passes really fast here.

    I can’t believe I’ve already been here for three (going on four!!!) weeks. Also, my birthday is next weekend and the fact that I’m turning 18 is kind of blowing my mind for so many reasons. How my world is going to change! (I think?)

    Life feels weird.

    I have my group of friends already, and I get along really well with my roommate fortunately. Yet part of me is still looking for the people that I knew from high school. I’ve seen a lot of them and the only guy from DHS seems to have a lot of friends. I think I need to reach out to the other 2 girls that I know because everytime I see them they’re either alone or just with each other….Not good :S. I love my group of friends though. They don’t drink/party as far as I know, and if they do they do it very infrequently. We’re a pretty good group though.

    There’s:

    Ellen who’s my roommate, fellow English major, and kind of quieter/more intense in many ways version of me

    Laura who’s a fellow English major and is very short and a total sweetheart. 

    Pat who’s a pain in the ass generally, but I know that kid has the potential to be something bigger than the way he’s acting right now. It’s hard for me to be around him sometimes because his behavior reminds me I need to stop being so prideful. At the same time it’s comforting because I know I am making improvements. I’ll get there eventually.

    Anthony x2. Anthony #1 (simply because we knew him in the group first) is the body guard/big bro of the group. He’s a chill kid. Anthony #2 is into theatre and we can’t wait to go support him in shows and stuff. He’s literally the most precious thing ever because he is kind of effeminate and he’s a good actor. Also a very good kid. 

    I think that’s the main group, but yeah. I love my group. We’re like a dysfunctional family already.

    My days have kind of been taken up by my homework and studying. Not that it’s that much, but by the time I’m finished I’m pretty much ready to not do anything academia related (not that writing a blog is academia related, but still….sometimes my brain just needs a rest). I’ve been talking on skype a lot. Surprisingly I’m really not keeping up with my old high school friends that much. I have some that I talk to , but most don’t even make an effort to talk to me. Eh, it’s whatever. I feel like there are bigger things going on right now.

    I’ve been up since like 6 this morning, but haven’t been very productive. Mostly been talking on the phone or whatever. Also, I try not to get up early on the weekends because the dining hall doesn’t open until 9 and doesn’t serve actual hot breakfast until 11. Breakfast is not at 11, but whatever. I could have pizza for breakfast since I got Dominos last night :D , but whatever.

    I hate that I wanted to talk about what happened this week and then I’m just like….holy crap everything blends together and I can’t even remember what happened day to day.

    Well, I had 2 classes cancelled this week! I was supposed to have English on Tuesday at 11 (and it was my first class of the day and everything!) and then when I went to the room I saw that there was a sign on the door and I was just like….SO happy. I love my English class, don’t get me wrong, but any class that is cancelled is a time for being productive :D !!!!! My math class was cancelled yesterday which made me especially happy since it was my last class of the day! I really love this whole class can randomly be cancelled in college thing. It’s something that’s really worked out well for me so far.

    I also took a bio quiz yesterday. I feel like it went really well, but we shall see. I’ve literally been studying like everyday for it, so I think I would honestly be pissed off if I didn’t get at least a 70. We have an actual exam next Friday, so that should go well, I hope.

    I think that’s about it right now.

    Hopefully I’ll be able to write next week and actually say something cohesive and more interesting than this.

September 12, 2011

  • Something I have been meaning to post for awhile….

    I became a Christian recently. I know that will come as a surprise to a lot of you, so here’s my testimony. I also started a revelife (lifewithgod@revelife) for more God oriented postings. My xanga is still for my ramblings about day to day stuff.

     

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Testimony

    I had to give my testimony when I got baptized recently. Here it is!

    ~~~~~~~

    Hi, my name is Kim. I’m going to be a freshman at Eastern Connecticut State University this fall. I hope to major in English and Secondary Education.

    I was lucky. From a young age I was introduced to God. For the majority of my childhood I grew up going to a Baptist Church. Around when I turned 12 my mom, aunt, and I started doing childcare at another church. This other church did not have a way for us to hear the sermons while we watched the children. Due to that, church stopped being a big part in our lives; we eventually stopped going. I basically stopped thinking about God. How could I when it was not brought up much in conversation? That, and typical difficulties I went through in middle school convinced me that God was just some idealistic thought. I remember thinking “How could God make me go through this?” and “Why?”. That basically cinched it for me.

     

    Fortunately I found out otherwise. Coming to God was a fairly long process for me. The thing that is surprising, even to me is how it began. From the second semester of my freshman year in high school to the beginning of my spring semester of my junior year I had a boyfriend. When we were together I had considered him not only my boyfriend, but also my best friend. After everything fell apart and I broke things up I was devastated. Sure, I was able to function normally and go through the motions of each day, but something was missing. Of course it was—-because I had put all of my hope in my life into a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I knew the danger of being obsessed with money and material things, and here I had done the same thing, but only with a different “God”. The big break-up led me to actively search for God. I cried out and even did some prayer journalling about different things. I had some answers to my prayers, but that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more, and I got it. June of last year I got a job at Robeks Juice. I had applied for that job the previous summer and literally hundreds of people apply for jobs there every year; it’s a very popular place to work. One of my coworkers there told me that I was hired because someone had shuffled through the applications and mine ended up on top. The odds in this instance were too much for me to believe it was completely a coincidence. Additionally, this source of money could not have come at a better time; I needed money for driver’s ed and even some to use toward college. I did not see how else the job could have come to be without some sort of divine intervention. I believed in God, but didn’t believe that Jesus is the son of God or anything of that nature just yet. I had too many objections and was too stubborn.

     

     

    A few months went by and I got in a discussion with someone about God. They saw I was lost and wanted to push me in the right direction, so they lent me The Case For Christ by Lee Strobel. The Case for Christ talks about the different objections people have both to Christianity and some things in the bible; it lays the truth down. I’m one of those people that learns incredibly well by reading, so this really was God’s way of showing me that I was wrong. After finishing The Case For Christ, I prayed about it, asking God to reveal himself to me. I wanted confirmation that this was the truth; I was still a little wary about all of it. Later that day I went to church with my friend Shadiah. Her pastor had a message about science and how it was not always as infallible as people think; I had put so much faith in evolution and “big bang” type science that I had neglected to even think of the possibility that it was often so wrong. I can pinpoint that as the day I started to believe, but not as the day that I started to walk in the life.

     

    I would also say that another one of the biggest factors that led me to find God and truly believe in him was the people he has placed in my life. While there are many different people I can mention, two specific ones come to mind. One of them, Shadiah, has been like a sister to me. Shadiah and her family always make me feel comfortable and at home when I visit them in New Jersey. I always used to ask Shadiah questions about her Christian faith, and even though she was often frustrated because I sometimes gave her attitude she demonstrated a certain amount of patience that I did not understand at the time. The other person I can speak highly of is my stepmother, Nancy. Nancy gives and gives; I have never expected anything from her; nor is she obligated to give me anything. Yet, she always thinks of me when I am visiting and makes me a vegan dish–even if it is something as simple as mixed vegetables. She has also shown me great kindness and generosity by giving me all sorts of gifts whether it be for Christmas, my birthday, or just because. God has used both Shadiah and Nancy, among many other people I’ve encountered, to help me realize the way that God works in us.During the period of my life where I considered myself a non-believer I often questioned why certain people had these traits that I’ve described. It got to a point where I could not justify or explain it anymore.

     

    I wasn’t ready to walk a life with God just yet. For the first few months of 2011 I was pretty confused about a lot of things. That being said it was the perfect opportunity for someone to manipulate me and use me. Someone I encountered at this time lied to me and told me things I wanted to hear so that they could use me. They treated me with so much disrespect and like complete and total crap, and then when they were finished using me they just stopped talking to me. It was devastating. Not only did I lose someone who I thought was a good friend and confidante to me, but I also lost respect from many people around me for spending the time I spent with them. Not long after we stopped talking, people were also gossiping about me behind my back. I thought the drama was going to end because we stopped talking,but it was just beginning. I was frustrated in so many ways. I let this person string me along and blatantly lie to me; I gave him the benefit of the doubt when people warned me that he wasn’t good news. I was hard-headed and stubborn, so even a lot of the friends I had at the time were ganging up with the “I told you so’s”. I felt so incredibly alone. I was at rock bottom. I didn’t feel like I could turn to anyone because even the friends around me didn’t want to hear it. It didn’t matter to them that I was hurt and needed someone to talk to; I just needed support. To them, it was just my problem for not listening to them in the first place. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, and I needed someone to listen to me. It really got to a point where I was so frustrated and upset that I just reached out to God in desperation.  One night before I was going to sleep I had enough. I prayed about everything that was going on and had a good cry about it. It was so surreal. I’ve cried myself to sleep before, but this was different. In the past when I had cried myself to sleep I remember falling asleep with this pit of hopelessness; I cried because the situation was bad and wasn’t going to get better. That night I felt peace, and an understanding that there was nothing to worry about and the pit of hopelessness was not there.

     

    Not long after this we started coming to Grace and everything only went uphill from there. I was nervous before we came to Grace and I asked God to show me that it was the right place for me to be. The first few Sundays we came, and even the multitude of Sundays after, have spoken into my life and have touched upon things I’ve dealt with and that I’ve seen others struggle with. God has also really used youth group discipleship group to influence me as well. Being a part of both groups helped me feel a part of something bigger than myself, and grow in my faith. I’ve learned so much about God, and I’ve grown so much in his word through my time here at Grace. I think the best way to put it is to say that everything makes more sense and seems clearer since I have come to grow in my faith with God. The biggest difference between now and then is that there is so much less anxiety in my life. I’m very much a worrier at heart and I often get caught up in the “what ifs” of life. I also get really crazy about the circumstances of my life. I’ve wondered a lot about the circumstances, and why things are a certain way. When I was writing this I took a break to pray and read my bible. I prayed about the testimony and asked God to give me a verse to use in it. I’ve been reading Acts. In Acts 17, Luke talks about a specific instance where Paul preached to the people of Athens. Verses 26-28 states that “From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being” God spoke to me through what I read here. Yes, I may not always be happy with the situations and circumstances in my life, but I know that he puts them there for a reason. The way my life has turned out makes me the person that I am supposed to be, and it glorifies God. Everything in my life may fall apart, but God remains to pick up the pieces. I’ll continue to make mistakes, but God will be there as he was in the past.